So you think it’s time to have The Talk. You like each other, and you want to know the deal. You want to know where things stand.
Don’t do it. In fact, delay that conversation as long as you possibly can, maybe indefinitely. Why? Because the first person who brings it up loses.
The need to have The Talk may seem all mature and adult, but really, it’s just you scratching an insecure itch. You need “to know.” I counter with this: If you’re having a fun, great, sexy time, why oh why would you drop those dreaded words, “Where is this going?” It’s the relationship equivalent of walking into the middle of a great party, turning off the music, flipping on all the lights, and saying, “So, I just want to check. Is everyone having a good time?”
I did this a few years back. And I regret it and would never do it now. I had been seeing the guy a few weeks. He was a bit of a tough read, and I got insecure. I thought I’d help things along or feel better by asking, “So what is the deal, I mean, are we seeing other people, or…” It was a moment of weakness. Big mistake. The whole tenuous, if promising, thing collapsed on itself a short while later. And while that wasn’t the only reason, I sped it to its short and brutish end. Like driving into a wall at 60 mph.
I’ve also been on the other side, by the way, many times. I gently tried to back off this very conversation with partners because it felt like I was being asked to make a decision I wasn’t ready to make. I felt pressured to say what I think he wanted to hear, and if that’s your idea of honesty, well. It’s not. I’ve often found myself marking time FROM THIS TALK, wondering who would be the one to bail out first. Why create this pressure when you’re really trying to get to know someone? Keep it a little gray–a little mysterious. This is how you keep that intrigue alive.
Ask yourself this: Why do I need to ask? What do I really want to know? What do I hope to accomplish? And while I can’t purport to read your mind, I’ll assume you’re craving what most humans do: significance and security. You want to know what’s going on, not because you’re conducting an investigation, but because you want to assuage the nagging fear and be reassured that you are special. You already are–can’t you tell? Nothing is totally secure in love and life, and no one owes you a sense of security.
And if your reason is that you’re afraid he’ll meet someone else? He could meet someone else regardless. There’s always that risk. What would happen if you held off on the grand summit meeting and just enjoyed the person without worrying about how to categorize or title or otherwise claim him? You get the best of both of you–and your own privacy, too.
“But I want us to be honest with each other!”, you cry. You can and should be open and communicative, yes. In fact, when you feel the urge to have a meta-conversation, make it about how much fun you have with that person, how much they rock, how attracted you are to them–and welcome those comments from him. A few sincere words about how you feel about that person can go a long way to making you feel more secure and appreciated.
The Talk is horrible because it starts with “I like you a lot” and ends with “and this is what I need you to do/not do, etc. It legislates. It kills the fun. It says, “Ok, so shall we look at the fine print?” Unless you’re about to close on a house together or do something else that’s legally binding (like marriage), there’s nothing to be gained by this conversation. What you want is to have him (or her) keep showing up.
Also: Don’t confuse honesty with security. You think that if you know more about what’s going on under the hood you’ll feel better, but that may not be the case. Do you really want to know he likes you a lot but is getting over a crush from last summer, or that his ex-girlfriend has been calling again? Does he want to know you’re sort of weaning off this other guy? No, no, and no. Not your biz, not his problem. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you keep choosing to spend time with and enjoy each other. It’s the actions that matter, not the definition of those actions. You don’t have to kick the tires every two seconds. Just drive.
Oh–and fuck your Facebook status. Honestly. If you’re making relationship decisions so you can click a box, I fear for your future. Because checking a box has driven more than one person into relationships–and marriages–that shouldn’t have happened. Labeling your life isn’t the same as living it.
Case in point: A client of mine has kindled a connection with a man who lives states away, and a good chunk of the year overseas. She wants to know if he’s her boyfriend or if he could be, and worries that by not nailing it down she’s being played. I tell her, yes, it is a game—and the goal is to keep the ball in play. You do this by maintaining a rich and vital connection, staying in touch and letting that person know you’re very much interested. As soon as she tries to get him to submit to certain rules or titles, I warned her she’ll scare him away, and he’s already far away.
Let’s get one thing straight: That discomfort you feel? That excitement? It exists due to the simple fact that things are NOT SET YET. Enjoy it. Don’t suck the life out of it in an effort to make it shelf stable. If you’re still with this guy 10 years from now, there will be a point, sooner than you think, when you’ll wonder where the magic went. This nervousness and thrill is par for the course—and trust me, you’ll miss it when it’s gone.
I needed to read this; thanks. Although not completely the same stage as what you write about, I too feel insecure by my boyfriend’s lack of verbal affirmations of how he feels about our relationship. And it drives my insecurity over the edge. We live together. Happily. We call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, so that is not the issue. But he NEVER says anything about how feels. Forget “I love you”, I will never hear that. No other simple affirmations. We don’t talk of the future really. But, his actions show another story. He’s affectionate, caring, he listens, attentive, supportive. He constantly does things to show me how he cares (no, he never buys me flowers, it is more physically what he does and how he emotionally supports me and my goals), we share our life, we visit his mother every weekend. I am slowly learning that I do not need a verbal affirmation of where we stand or how he feels. Like you said Teri: he shows up. Every day. In his own loving way. But, something in my head tells me that to feel secure I need to hear him SAY it, and it does bother me. But, reading this I feel a bit better and have a new perspective.
Jmarie, you bring up an interesting point. And one I will explore further. The need for verbal affirmation. Fact is, if there are things you DO want, couples should absolutely voice that need. You’re together, you love each other, but you say above he doesn’t say what you need to hear, doesn’t bring you flowers, etc. For me, I don’t care about flowers so that wouldn’t matter. But it matters to you. I’m not talking about lowering the bar here in terms of the best we can do–and quite possibly we can all do better. I think this is a conversation you can and should have, certainly.
And did you say you go visit his mother EVERY WEEKEND?! Good grief. A little “i love you” now and then wouldn’t kill him. He can’t change who he is, but growing as a couple DOES mean being able to do things out of our comfort zones b/c the relationship matters. That’s for sure. There is a way to tell someone that, though, and it’s in a loving moment, not a judgy/bickery one. I don’t think you should settle or be complacent about him. You can tell him what you need — you certainly show him how you feel.
Thanks Terri!
I don’t care as much about flowers either, but I grew up in a VERY verbal family. My parents and siblings end each conversation with “I love you.” My parents tell me they are proud of me, happy for me etc….
Now, he grew up the complete opposite. His parents never say anything verbal like that. His mom hugs, but they are not a “lovey dovey” family if you will. I learned as a child to hear verbally how people feel and in that way I learned how to feel secure. All of my past relationships have been verbally affirmative, but sometimes saying “I love you” can be empty if said too much, so I don’t expect anything like that as a constant.
I tell him all the time he makes me happy. That he’s the best. Just how I feel (I don’t say I love you though as I am not sure how that would go over). He usually gives me a hug and kiss back. I sometimes get a “ you make me happy” or a “you’re the best” IM or something, but he knows he is not verbally loving.
I have spoken to him about this. Not nagging, not judgy. I explained I do not want to change him. I explained how I was raised and why I feel the need to hear this. I cried one time and he hugged me, comforted me, but explained that he is just not used to it and it is hard for him. Meanwhile I get worried about the status of our relationship, but then his actions go and show me that he cares a lot. I think part of it is cultural for him.
Yes, every weekend! I love his mom though. She’s awesome and she loves me. I am in his family’s life and that shows me too that he cares a lot and we are headed in a forward direction.
I have expressed my needs, but don’t expect him to change. I know he heard me and I know that he will work on it as he can. Time will tell!
OK, but you sound like you’re making excuses for him. If you can live with it as is, fine. But you’re the one who mentioned your dissatisfaction w/ that part of it. Cultural whatever–part of growing with someone is doing things that are a little uncomfortable.
This article came across my radar today and I would normally not read or even dare comment on this (great article btw)…so here I am…commenting SMH. I’ve recently encountered a very similar situation where the relationship felt forced because she needed affirmation.
I enjoyed our time together, until I started to feel pressured to show my affection or affirm my feelings to her in ways that didn’t feel natural. Love/affection/true feelings should be a natural flow of interaction, not coerced reactions to a request or from fear of being kept up for hours into the early morning discussing the topic.
I recently had an eye opening discussion with a friend about “The 5 Love Languages” http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/ <–I had no clue there was entire site dedicated to this (I have not read the book but have had a brief synopsis, so I am no way endorsing this book). The basic gist is that guys and gals are different, in that we sometimes desire different forms of affirmation or affection. My ex would not see that I performed acts of service (I was no stranger to words of affirmation as well), instead she wanted flowers and other cliche romantic comedy gestures of affection. All I wanted was some peace and a reduction in late night conversations.
If your significant other is "showing up" and increasing your quality of life and/or happiness, then cut them some slack and start doing some internal analysis of what's the reason for you wanting these additional affirmations. I the reasoning comes back to you want a fast track to marriage and it looks like the two of you are on different channels, then it's time to get crackin'.
Do you think this may be the secret to sustaining life long spark, or at least a contributor…or otherwise?
As far as trying to get someone to change how they show their affection. I would recommend being tactful and not making them feel coerced into these unnatural forms of affection. Also, don't discount their current forms of affection. For example, if he cares for your car or house…does he do this for everyone in his life?
C, I hear what you’re saying and I want to be clear here that YES we must acknowledge/respect the different ways people show love for each other. She cannot turn her man into a loving linguist if he’s not naturally. I don’t think she can force him, no. But they’ve also been together a while and I think each person has to make an effort toward the other. So rather than her expecting him to change for her, they need to move show evidence of their willingness to grow and express their feelings in ways that speak to both of their “languages.” I don’t know if it’s just about cutting someone slack or pushing someone. Those are two extremes. But yes–you just said it–it’s often women who need so much affirmation, and we need to learn to find affirmation in ways that are being shown to us but that we don’t see, can’t see. Which is the genus of this post: That when we let our insecurities get the best of us, we actually undermine the experience/communication. Thanks for sharing this.
I’ve read the 5 Love Languages and it’s really a life changing book. It helped me to see how others experience love and why I’d had disconnects in the past. Reading it also transformed my relationship with my daughter.
Hey Belinda! I will check out that book.
Wow. I just read this after reading another of your articles on Jezebel. I was just thinking about something like this regarding the girl I’m seeing. I kept thinking, “are we/ should we be headed toward a talk?” And I kept scripting out the necessary parts of the conversation I assumed would happen.
In retrospect though, we kind of know where we stand. We keep our communications open especially in a pretty new situation. I’m trying to be more in the moment and appreciate this relationship for what it is, as it is.
My biggest stimulus for this “talk” is the fact that I’m 7 months out of a relationship and was having all of these concerns: do we have the talk? Why would we have the talk? We’re ok, right? Why wouldn’t we be ok? I just keep telling myself to relax and be in it as it happens. It’s exciting and that can be scary.
Thank you so much for this post.
So wait–you’re 7 mos out of a relationship and now you’re in a new one. Seems like it must be around 6 mos or less. I think the key here is not avoiding things that need discussing, but not putting undue pressure to formalize, esp this soon out of the gate. She still wants to know and would likely welcome hearing what you THINK of her, and how much you like her. We all need to hear that. And that to me matters–as long as she feels loved/liked, appreciated, cared for, special, you can hold off on legislating things. That saps the fun out of everything. It’s like letting lawyers into the room. It becomes less about what you like about each other, and more about The Rules and what you can and cannot do heretofore.
I’m fighting against some of those old-relationship-me instincts: defining and steering and labeling. I honestly planned to not have anything serious for a year after the last relationship ended, but I met someone great and am just seeing where it goes.
“You want to know what’s going on, not because you’re conducting an investigation, but because you want to assuage the nagging fear and be reassured that you are special. You already are”
We both live wonderful separate lives, and enjoy time together. I like her and have shown and told her as much. She likes me and has shown and told me as much. I’ve made it a point not to rush things and just enjoy them as they go.
This article stopped that nervous voice in my head that was steering me back into the lawyerly conversation you suggested. I’m enjoying being in the present and wanted to thank you for providing some great words that helped me go in the right direction
Hey, late to the party but I thought I’d share. I met B only a few months after my divorce so I naturally didn’t want to commit right away. Things were great and she rapidly became my full time girlfriend. I had never had it so good. With anyone. Ever.
Then came The Talk. We wound up dialing the relationship down for a while, seeing other people (which neither of us really wanted to do, but still …). We ultimately got married, and have stayed together for a very long time. I doubt we will ever split up.
However. There was an emotional whiplash that came with The Talk that I don’t think either of us has fully gotten over. Our relationship quickly became more like a job. An important and in many ways fulfilling one, but still a job. Even before we got married the sex wasn’t quite as hot, or as frequent, as it was before The Talk. Now we have kids, and jobs, and property, and aging parents. We gave up the freedom to see all the surprises life had in store for us, and we had in store for each other.
There is a word for what we lost, and that word is romance. B and I shared a lot of it for awhile, and its loss stings forever. So, ladies, if things are going well, and you’d like them to continue, just trust your judgment and go along for the ride. Lots of relationships survive The Talk – mine did – but they don’t come through it unchanged.
I understand that we shouldn’t force these uncomfortable decisions. I tried to force my current boyfriend into the discussion, only to be evaded entirely. It was only when he realized that I had started to see other people that he decided he was ready to label it. But now, I’m left wondering….what’s it going to take for any new affirmation to happen? A next step? We’ve talked about the future, but he’s not ready to move in. And definitely doesn’t want to get married any time soon. That’s what he said about being in a relationship too – until I was nearly gone. What’s it going to take for the next level of commitment? Me leaving? How do I find out without having A Talk?
Fact is, whoever is willing to walk away first wins. I applaud your decision to see other people (then). You know the pattern. He only likes you when you’re leaving. So that means when you hang around waiting for affirmation, you won’t get it. It’s not that you can’t talk about it ever–of course communication is key. But when women start in on The Talk in the early stages of a relationship, it’s a killer. There’s a diff between forcing the issue and also not getting what YOU want in a relationship. How long have you been involved with this guy? If it’s less than 6 months it is a bit soon and maybe you should see other people even now. But if it’s been a year or more and your clock is ticking and you really want to be married/kids, etc, then you can’t afford to wait around. I have a post on how to get a guy to commit that i’m posting here in a few minutes, that went up earlier this week on thedatereport.com – but hang on, I’ll have it up shortly. Bottom line: You’ve made it too easy for him–he knows you’re willing to wait, and so he doesn’t have to rush. Having the ultimatum talk is not going to work, b/c if he tentatively and unwillingly agrees to make things more “serious” with you, it’s to appease you and I can guarantee he’ll resent you for it later, or simply leave. If he’s not on the same page, he’s not on the same page. But hold up, read this other article and see how it works for you.