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Get Rejected More (You’re Not Doing It Enough)

If you’re not getting 3 strikes you’re not trying hard enough.

If you’re weeping into a glass of sherry and wondering why the world is so cruel and your life is so loveless, well, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Yes, I said that. Because if you’re like a lot of women, you wait. And wait. You think you’re enlightened and independent, yet there you are clinging to this Disneyfied idea of romance, believing down deep that if you click your heels, the Right One will appear, if you just sit quietly and wait. It’s not the world getting in your way; it’s you.  

You need to make shit happen. Here’s how: You need to take more risks. And you need to get rejected. In fact, my challenge to you is to get rejected no fewer than three times. Tonight, if possible. Because it means you’re getting somewhere. Also, because it’s unlikely you’ll even get that far before someone takes you up on it. (Trust me on this.)

Men already know this. They play the numbers. They’re used to rejection–they accept it as part of the game. If they ask out ten ladies, it means one or two or three will say yes. They go after what they want, and expect rejection. Regularly.

I knew a guy like this in college. He was nothing to look at, truly, but a fun, personable guy. He was never the hottest guy in the room. But he asked out EVERYONE. And the man always had a date. It’s not magic. It’s numbers.

You need to think this way. You don’t need to “act” like a man, but you need to adopt the mentality, create the calluses, and push through it. If you prefer a more gender-neutral example, think business: A salesperson doesn’t go into the field thinking everyone will say yes. But she goes out knowing that to get a return on those efforts, she needs to aim for far more than she’ll actually land.

When’s the last time you got rejected? And what did you do about it? If the answer is go home, lick your wounds, and stop shaving your legs, that’s the wrong answer.

I’ve gotten rejected lots of times–tons. It sucks every single time. It will always hurt. But it doesn’t always have to stop you cold. When I look at the past year alone, I’ve been told many times “no,” or “later,” and “maybe not.”

STRIKE ONE: I was seeing a man in the midst of a divorce; he had pursued me. Then he said he needed time; he’d be back. That was a year ago. When I asked whatever happened to him, he said he was dating other people, but decided he “didn’t want to continue our thing.” Our thing? Meaning, that thing he started? Yeah, that hurt. Moving on.

STRIKE TWO: I sold a guy a set of drawers on craigslist. I was charmed. I emailed him to let him know I thought so. We went for coffee. Then, a walk.  He emailed me the next day and said I just wasn’t what he was looking for in a girlfriend. I was shocked, then hurt. Then, over it. Next?

STRIKE THREE: I put the full-court press on a guy I met at a singles event (or rather, I happened to him–find out how to do this). I had him in the bag–I thought. He texted me the next day to go out. Then he changed the date. Then, he changed his mind.

I have more…you want me to go on? You get my point. I get hurt, sad. I don’t quit. And I’m never without a date if I want one. I just go get one. 

I also find men wherever they are–not just out at some bar. Anyone you meet is game, and he doesn’t have to be in striking distance of a gin and tonic to be game. I recently visited the Apple Genius bar for help with my Mac. The guy who helped me was completely adorable. I started to leave after our session and then turned my ass right around and went back inside and, when I couldn’t find him, gave my card to another employee to give to him.

He wrote me back a very polite, service-oriented note. I wrote back telling him I was interested in him. And I didn’t hear back. For a month.

I forgot about it. 

And then, weeks later, he started following me on Twitter. I called him out (“hey I know you”) and he replied, “We should hang out.”

So we did. And we are.

Be warned: The more time you spend in a gaggle of ladies, the less time you spend taking the risk of putting yourself out there in a real way–making yourself vulnerable, trying, and, failing. Failing isn’t a mistake or something you shouldn’t have done. It’s something you should be doing more. 

Do it. Go out–alone. Look hot. Feel hot. Sit at the bar and get a drink. Start a conversation with someone who’s even just mildly attractive. I don’t give a shit if he’s married, gay, or about to enter the priesthood. Buy him a drink. You will probably not marry this man. But you may date him. Who knows? And at the very least, you have a fun, flirty conversation. There will be more.

Do it again. And again. Introduce yourself to guys you meet randomly, in passing, anywhere. Rack up numbers. And you will get results–and likely, a guy who appreciates a woman with a little initiative.

 

Terri Trespicio is a media personality & lifestyle expert, and a dating coach with expertise in getting singles back on the field. Visit her at territrespicio.com and follow her @TerriT.

 

11 Comments

  1. Emily
    Emily02-21-2013

    I love this! Just wish I had read it while I was still single. ;)

  2. terri
    terri02-21-2013

    Emily, the good news is that this applies not just to romantic relationships–it’s the secret sauce to getting ANYTHING you go after. And while you may have a partner, I’m sure there’s more you want in your life in all departments. Apply and reuse as needed. :) Thanks btw!

  3. Jordan J. Caron
    Jordan J. Caron02-21-2013

    Terri,

    I say a blog post on Jezebel through their sports site Deadspin with this title. Did you write it for them?

    Anyways, I Jezebel is blocked at my work so I googled it and here I am! Even though this is written at your female audience, it resonates for me. Last night I was out at a social event and a very attractive girl was sitting at our table. I usually like to sit back and not act all needy and clingy. So I didn’t even talk to her.

    Then it hit me when I got home. I need to try harder and get rejected more. It’s much better than not trying at all. The feeling of not even trying hurts more than rejection.

    With that, I’m going to take your advice and get rejected more. Lowering my expectations for a casual interaction will help loosen me up also.

    Thanks for this!

    Jordan

    • terri
      terri02-22-2013

      See? Works for all of us. Not saying anything doesn’t scream “I’m not clingy!” it screams “I’m not interested.” Chicks do tend to hang back and see if a man engages them, and so, yeah, it would have been cool and not at all clingy to strike up a convo and then give her some space–at least she’d know she had appealed to you. We all respond to that :)

  4. Katie
    Katie07-23-2013

    I agree, I approach every guy as if they are the only right guy for me, and I can only date them, or think about asking them out if I have already seen into the future at what our relationship would be like… NO! That’s crazy! Rejection is just a statistical possibility, and it’s about progress, not perfection!

    • terri
      terri07-23-2013

      You got it, katie. 100%. PS there is no “one” right person for you. There are many. Setting yourself up that way makes things so hard! Fortune telling never made for a better relationship.

  5. Brittany
    Brittany08-20-2013

    I read The Game (http://www.amazon.com/The-Game-Penetrating-Society-Artists/dp/0060554738) a few years ago after a friend left it over at my house. The book helped me realize exactly how scary it was to ask a complete stranger out on a date, and that I had never really done it before. Always up for new experiences, I decided I was going to ask that cute guy I had seen around the office (working in a totally different, unrelated department, I might add) to join me on a double date with my best friend and the boy who had lent me the book. Nervous out of my mind, one of my male friends coached me and even said “I bet it will turn out better than you think.” Four and half years later, he asked me to be his bride.

    • terri
      terri08-20-2013

      Ha! I love it! I also loved the Game. Such an interesting book–what a ride thru a crazy underworld. Yes. EVERYONE is scared out of their minds. I’m so proud you took initiative. Not everyone can or will. Can you imagine what you would have missed out on if you’d let your nerves get the best of you? Congrats!

  6. Sneha
    Sneha11-16-2013

    This is just what I needed to hear!! I was looking for someone to tell this aloud, that it’s better to find rather than seek. And if a guy thinks a woman initiating sounds like they are trying too hard, they are probably not even worth going after cuz they simply never evolved! Failures always hurt, but don’t let that bog you down.
    Thanks Terri!

  7. Maria
    Maria01-24-2014

    But but but….I just read “The Rules” – http://therulesbook.com/
    and learnt women should NOT take the inititive, and should not start hunting down men!
    Ahhhhhh!!!!!!

    • terri
      terri01-24-2014

      Well, if you’re sold on The Rules, you probably shouldn’t read anything else, right? :) I’m not saying you need to ‘hunt’ men down–no no no. You’ve got to allow men to do some chasing, and to exert some initiative on their own of course. But sitting home or in a corner and waiting for them to find you is also not a great plan. You can seek out opportunities without full-on hunting. Remember: The Rules is just about landing yourself a husband and that’s it. Anyone can do that. To me, finding the relationship you want is another story. It’s a delicate balance. Ever hear the old saying, “She chases and chases him until he catches her”?

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