I’m no stranger to asking out dudes. I’ve done it—slipped my number into someone’s hand, slid a napkin-scribbled note onto a table, approached a man eating alone at a sushi bar, even walked straight up to a very hot guy in some kind of grounds crew and invited him to call me. But I’ll be honest—while it can be sexy and fun, and a great experiment to honing and exploring your confidence, most of those dates never transpired.
Women like to be chosen, plain and simple. Even the big loud-mouthed ones like me. And if you do the asking, you aren’t letting the guy take that step. You undermine his ability and urge to initiate action. Another thing that could happen is that you set a precedent—that you will be the one to ask for everything you want, thus removing some initiative on his part.
Now, every time I say this, I hear from men who say they would love it if a woman asked them out. And some men may like this, sure. We ALL want to be chosen in some way. It’s how you make that choice known that matters. In my experience, when a man takes the role of asking, he is deciding, not just agreeing to what YOU want or (god forbid) giving in. Maybe you’ve asked someone out and it worked and you’re together and happy. Good for you! It works in some cases, sure. But in my own life, I was finding that when I was too aggressive or felt the need to “produce” the relationship this way, I was getting in my own way and actually hindering him.
Understand this does NOT mean a woman is just a passive piece of produce waiting to be picked up, palpated, and taken home. In fact, you as a woman have a very powerful role to play here because in order to have a man walk through the doorway, you kinda have to open it.
So, rather than wonder if you should come out of nowhere and ask him out like some kind of surprise romantic attack, or sit and wait like a stone, do the opposite—lay the groundwork for attraction. You can’t start a fire out of nothing. Think of your efforts at flirting, connecting, etc, as laying the kindling and creating the conditions for fire to spark.
How? BE interested, show interest, give him lots of opportunity to talk to you, be around you, and pick up on all your positive, attractive energies. Make it clear that if he WERE to ask you out, you’d say yes (without of course saying that). No one likes being rejected, and so you want to be sure he gets the sense that he won’t be. Look, dudes don’t always pick up on subtleties. So don’t be too subtle. He can’t read your mind. If he mentions a sushi restaurant bar just opened near him, you say, “I live for sushi. I could eat it every damn day.” (Only say this if it’s true, which, in my case, it is.) Or maybe you just tell him what you think: That he’s almost too damn appealing to pass up. That’ll send a message.
When you allow and encourage that attraction to take root and get his attention, you don’t have to worry about whether you should ask him out. Because you won’t have to.
And if he doesn’t? Maybe he’s not into it. Or not ballsy enough. Two good reasons to move on.