When my boyfriend told me, just shy of our one-year anniversary, that he didn’t want a girlfriend anymore, I was still digesting my savory pork belly dish and $12 cocktail.
This candlelit dinner had seemed to be to signal things were on the upswing. I was wrong. This wasn’t a let’s-try-again reunion dinner; It was our last supper.
I went numb. I nearly tackled the waitress (“We need our check! Now!”). I was out the door in a shot with him on my heels. When we got to the subway station, I told him to give me back my keys. He resisted: “Can’t we wait till I come by and get my–”
“No. Now,” I said, fighting back tears and failing. I stood there, rigid, as he wiggled each key off the chain, dropping them into my hand with cold finality.
I cried the whole way home. What else was there to do? I got off a stop early so I could call my sister who answered sleepily, from her cozy bed in a suburb of Massachusetts. I was stunned—and furious. How could he? Why?
I Called In Supports
In the wake of an emotional rupture like that, I sought the unwavering support of my girlfriends, who rallied around me, even coddled me. My friend Renee texted me, “I’m so sorry you two broke up. Should I hate him now? Tell me and I will.”
That’s why I love girlfriends; they’re angels in a crisis, loyal as pit bulls. They told me all the things I felt like I needed to hear: “I’m so sorry, honey. But he didn’t appreciate you.” “You know you can and will do better.” This is the role of girlfriends: to turn in the wagons, nurse you back to health, point out the flaws and, in many ways, hang lights in your darkest corners.
Feeling pain, confusion and heartbreak? My Break-Up 911 online workshop is going to gently get you back on your feet. You’ll find confidence and optimism when you need it most. Come on over!
Then I Made a Deal with the Devil
I had a business lunch the next day. I almost cancelled. I looked and felt horrible. I had been crying all night.
And a man I’d known, a former colleague, says from across the table, “You want him back?” I was mute. Of course I did. I wasn’t the one who wanted to end it.
This guy, who prefers to go by his pseudonym here, P.T. Carlito, started to say the most outrageous things to me:
- He told me he could show me how to get my ex back in a matter of weeks.
- He said that if I wanted to get different results, I had to change my behavior, trust him implicitly, and do exactly as he said.
He was aggressive, obnoxious, cocky. I didn’t believe a word he said. Plus, this guy has no business offering ME advice. He’s just some middle aged dude, married for 20 years. Just a guy, just some dingbat. He hadn’t dated in years. Who was he to tell me who I am and how to date? The feminist in me threw up a little in her mouth.
My problem, he said, was that I didn’t choose actions based on what I wanted; I let my emotions gain the upper hand and dictate my responses instead of the other way around. “No wonder you’re a disaster,” he said.
“I’ll have him crawling back before the end of the year,” he said, mouthful of arugula with a dribble of dressing on his lip. “Before the New Year. You can count on it. I’ll bet my $1,000 to your $10. I’m that sure. And by the way—begging for you to come back to him. Begging. You better just be careful what you wish for.”
P.T. leaned in and aimed his fork at my forehead. “I’ll need three things from you. First, I need you to do exactly as I tell you to. Second, I need you to write a column about what a genius I am. You got that?” I nodded. “And when you do get him back, I need you to sing the song for me.” What song? “I got the beeessst daddy in the world…I got the beeeest daddy in the world,” he crooned to the tune of that American spiritual, “He’s Got the Whole World In His Hands.” He then broke into hysterical idiot laughter.
I cringed. We shook on it.
Rule 1: Cut Off All Contact
Later that same evening, I was sipping a potent mezcal cocktail at the Soho Grand with P.T. and a few other colleagues, my finger hovering over the “unfriend” button on my phone. I felt like I was about to step off a cliff.
“Do it,” P.T. said firmly. “Trust me. It’s the best thing for you.” I did it. In a single gesture, my ex was instantly evicted from my digital circle of trust. I cried a little. Moving on to Twitter didn’t feel quite as painful, since ceasing to follow someone doesn’t feel as final as Facebook exile.
This was the first lesson: Doing the opposite of what you really want to do: Cut off all digital contact. “This process is not going to be easy,” said P.T. “It feels like the wrong thing. But it’s not. It’s about strategy.”
And this is something women are rarely taught to do. It’s assumed we’ll be victims of our feelings, and have to endure them. Fact is, if you let them rule your actions and your reactions, you lose.
What happened: My ex not only watched my feeds more closely, he started tweeting and retweeting me in ways he never did when we were dating.
Once I’d taken him off my radar, I had his full attention. (And turns out my FB posts were public, so he saw them anyway. Whoops.) But rest assured there was no poor-me public ranting about it. None.
Rule 2: Enter radio silence.
I not only resisted and didn’t initiate contact; I didn’t respond to any, either. This was hard. Because he wasn’t “gone”—he was sending a text here, a funny youtube link there, a video of his roommate’s puppy.
Silence.
I feared what anyone would: That I’d come off cold, or give the idea that I didn’t want him when I did. Wrong. Far too many women think that if they “keep the door open,” that the ex will beat a path to their door.
Now was not the time to be friends. “Needy is not attractive,” he said.
By shutting him out completely, I gave myself a chance to heal, but more importantly, said P.T., “You’re giving him a chance to feel what life is like without you.” After all, that’s what he had asked for.
What happened: He started emailing and texting me more. It’s human nature; he felt he wasn’t getting my attention, so he tried harder.
Rule 3: Pack it up and ship it out.
One other problem: His stuff still darkened the corners of my apartment. I told P.T. that I loathed the inevitable weepy, sad exchange of goods.
No, no, no. “Messenger all his stuff and send it to him immediately,” he said.
Rather than play Radiohead and fondle his old razor, though, I put on Beyonce (I strongly recommend “Irreplaceable”) and packed his shit in a bag, taped it up and shipped it via messenger to my ex’s office downtown. And you know what? It felt good; empowering even. Because I wasn’t sitting there “waiting” for him to come and strip away what was left. I was deciding. I was in charge now.
This is key, because when you’ve been dumped, you feel your power has been taken away from you. You must make decisions and take action to get back in the driver’s seat. You may never be in control of all that happens to you, but you are always in control of your response.
Rule 4: No bitterness. None.
When my ex received his goods at his office via messenger, you better believe I got a round of riled-up texts. “Why would you do this?” he wrote. “I could have come pick it up. Do you really need to get rid of me that quickly? Are you trying to embarrass me?? That’s cold.”
My emotions tugged at me to retaliate, defend, argue, point to the irony of his response (really, dude?). But P.T. was not having it. “Wish him well,” he said. “Fact is, he’s doing whatever he can to get a response from you.”
When I resisted, he said something I’ll never forget:
“You will never teach someone by explaining. You show through actions, not words.” I hated this guy. Because I knew he was right.
So instead of emotionally engaging, I replied, “Stop being dramatic. Now you have your stuff back and you can move on with your life, as will I. I wish you only the best. Goodbye.”
Return to: Radio silence. I figured that was the last nail in the coffin.
Rule 5: Go on a few dates.
I wasn’t counting on my ex coming back. And I knew that in order to move on I could only cry so many nights in a row; I had to get out into the world and fill my time with other people.
Now, I should mention, sad as I was, I am a quick rebound and return to dating far more quickly than most. If you’re deep in mourning, you may want to wait a couple weeks.
Me? Two days. I was dumped on a Wednesday, and out drinking wine with a worldly air force general on Friday. Of course it was early, some would say too early. But I didn’t go out with the intention of finding a new boyfriend. I went to remind myself that I could enjoy the company of new men as soon or as often as I liked. I gave myself that option, and you should, too, if you can compartmentalize your grief (i.e., not spend the date discussing your ex).
(Added bonus: I also blogged about what it was like to be dating again, in a spirited, curious way…knowing full well there’s a chance my ex would be reading them.)
Rule 6: Expect the unexpected. Or, in P.T.’s world, the inevitable result.
My ex’s texts grew in intensity, frequency, and anguish, until he finally said, “If you want me to stop writing you say something. I’m starting to feel like a crazy person.”
After a few weeks of silence on my end, right before Christmas, he broke: He wrote me a gushing letter confessing that he had made a mistake, he had taken me for granted, and that he wanted me back. He didn’t want anyone else. He wanted me.
I swelled inside with relief and, quite frankly, disbelief. And a little bit of annoyance: Curse P.T. He was right. That bastard!
When we met up at a very nice restaurant in Tribeca, he was wearing a tie, and had an armful of flowers waiting for me at the table. He only asked that I consider dating him again.
I said I’d consider it. And we have been.
My ex came back to the relationship having learned a powerful lesson, as did I: That you have to be careful what you wish for. And know what you want. In this case, I wanted to give it, and us, another chance.
Do what will get you what you want, not what will encourage more of what you fear.
Fact is, even if my ex did not come back, which was a real possibility, I still would have been better off—and well on my way to a perfectly fine life without him.
Next time I saw P.T., at a swanky lounge in Tribeca, he folded his arms behind his head, gloating like a king who had brought yet another hamlet under his rule.
“Well?” he said, cackling like a fool. “Let’s hear it,” he said, his eyes twinkling.
I’ve got the beeeest daddy in the world…..
**2022 UPDATE!**
I’ve gotten LOTS of emails over the years asking me whether I’m still with that boyfriend. No, I am not. But not because of what happened here; we were together nearly a year after that. But one day I just woke up and knew—this is not it. And life went on, as yours will, too.
What I learned from this is the power of unfriending; the decision to let go of the things that weigh on you with self-doubt, anxiety, and regret. And this is not just about boyfriends. It’s about all the OTHER things you’re still attached to—namely, ideas about what your life should be and what your options are.
I just published a book called Unfollow Your Passion and in it, you’ll hear about other relationships gone very wrong, yes, but most importantly, how to unhook yourself from the tyranny of dopey ideas we’re fed on a daily basis, not just about relationships, but about what exactly we should be doing with our lives.
So when you’re done unfriending your ex (now please), come unfollow your passion with me.
Thank you so much for this article. It’s good to know that there are other ladies who go through the same thing in other countries. I’m from South Africa btw. I was dumped back in March, he did it on bbm saying that we live very different lifestyles. Imagine that. But honestly, I still believe he only left because he was still into his previous girl he left in another town. As with many ladies, I called my girls and they were very supportive. All the things they told me were true. But I didn’t want them to be. It only hit me two to four days later that it was really over, that’s when I started crying. I wondered where this sudden change of heart came from. I mean he introduced me to his family, I would occasionally go over to his place and always felt comfortable. Trust me, I’ve had my fair share of players and he definitely wasn’t like that. He was sweet, he wasn’t the type to check out other girls while he was with me and he loved me. Oh Lord, after the break up we talked and I told him how I felt (I know that was stupid) but he wouldn’t budge. I think a day later, he asked me if what I said was true, if I still felt that way. And being the stubborn person that I am, I told him it didn’t matter anymore since he didn’t want anything to do with me. I guess I shot myself in the foot right. Days past, weeks past. Nothing. He’s not coming back. So this one particular day, early April I think, I’m talking to a mutual friend of ours and he comes over, ignores our friend and greets me. He came over all smiles and everything like nothing happened. We are in the same university btw. So then he turns back and talks to another friend. And as he does so, I asked this friend of ours to accompany me and we left. Few minutes later he calls me (but I only noticed his call later on in the day) my phone was on silent. Days go by AGAIN. In my moment of weakness, I told him that I wanted him back again. But oh well, this guy doesn’t care. I remember when I gave him back his things, all the gifts. Yeah it was hard. But the look on his face? PRICELESS. And his reaction after that haha, he was all about indirect talk on bbm saying “now why would you wanna bring all these thoughts.” I guess some days are better than others. I came across this blog because I didn’t know what to do, I’ve deleted him from most of my social networks just today. But Facebook was a whole different ball game. Now I know what I have to do. A heavy load off my shoulders. Do I want him back? Honestly right now, I don’t know. I still love him though. Again, thank you so much this has really come in handy 😉
My dear, the short answer is this: You shouldn’t have to talk someone into loving you. In fact, you can’t. It doesn’t work that way. I know you have strong feelings for him. But he didn’t reciprocate. Time to cut it off and move on. Not easy, but what’s the alternative? You know you want him back, but in this case, you’ve made what you want clear. He has made his intention clear, too. You didn’t shoot yourself in the foot. You wanted what you wanted. Unfriend. Right now.
What you have done were just exploiting the emotions and senses of humans. Not true love, you silly.
What that guy taught you to do isn’t anything about Love. Even now you have gotten your guy back, it may seems you are now in a relationship but this is not a “Love” relationship. Because, what that P.T. Carlito guy was telling you to do was just playing around with fear of losing and insecurity (As a guy myself, I have thought of what P.T. Carlito suggested and almost suggested something similar to my female friends but didn’t because realizing how wrong this is).
What you have done, were just putting the feeling of losing and fear back at someone. When someone feeling lost and fear, he/she will response and trying every single way to feel secure again. (e.g. if you made someone feel drowning, a normal human respond will try hardest to grab hold on to something to keep him/herself from drowning. And if you reached out your hands and let that person grab on to you, regardless you were the one who throw him into the water at the first place, he will still grab hold on you!). So, on the receiving end (i.e. your ex), the most obvious but wrong answer to do in a situation like this is to get back with you to . So, he was just responding to the lost and fear and not the true emotions and feelings of how he felt toward you.
In time, the core issues between you and him will surface again.
You may be enjoying the moment right now but it is just the feeling of lost and fear that your boyfriend is afraid of rather than truly appreciate and in love with who you really are. Also, have you two ever ask each other if you two are even compatible if not before but starting now?
Nowadays, I found that we all try so hard to make things work towards our own benefits and has to be in control in a relationship (quite selfish, in my opinion).
Destiny or Karma or whatever you call it, has its way to come back at you (You know, you b/f could be thinking how to get back at you all these time that you are enjoying right now). Good luck!
Interesting insight. (Tho not clear on the threat of karma, and why a bf would want to get back at me for good times? Seems you ran outta gas at the end of this.) But still. yes, you’re right–fact is, what PT Carlito knows is that you hit someone’s fear button, and they respond. I won’t argue that it had that effect. Of course! But remember, all I really did was cut him out–which I would have done REGARDLESS of whether he came back or not. Of course the key issues don’t go away. Who ever said they would? That’s not at issue. I don’t believe in a magic bullet. Why do you think every romcom ever made features a man running back through the rain to a woman who was just about to go off with someone else? Yes. We know this.
The point is, it’s not ‘wrong’ to cut someone off when they have gone their own way. I’d argue it’s the only thing to do. Because realize the alternative for most people (many of them, women): Nagging, pleading, threats, and any other emotionally charged responses. The key IS to unplug so that you give someone the space to return if they want–and give yourself the space to move on.
You were thinking I assumed it’s a magic button. I didn’t. I saw it for what it was: Giving someone exactly what they asked for. And giving myself an action–a positive, non-resentful, non-provoking action to take that was self-preserving. And I’d tell every woman to do it. In fact, I just have.
I am not entirely against emotional tactics; at work places, politics, organizations & companies use all kinds of emotional tactics to their ends (whether selfish or not, for good or evil). And even to some degrees for the society to function we need some forms of these tactics in place.
What important is, the relationships I am having others in public or with friends are not an intimate, soul seeking and love relationship we are talking about here. So, to me, it is more acceptable to let “some degrees” of these emotional tactics take place. But then this is another topic for another day.
Keeping an intimate, soul seeking and love relationship in mind and continue to our conversations…
At the end of your previous post, “Giving someone exactly what they asked for. And giving myself an action–a positive, non-resentful, non-provoking action to take that was self-preserving.” Wow, you really know how to sugar coat, the revengeful & emotionally provoking in nature and want to be in control actions that you have taken. ( I am saying this not to emotionally tick you off or anything, but just from a third person perspective)
If you really want to be non-provoking, you would not be hitting his fear button already! Hitting someone’s “FEAR” button is very provoking. Rather, just letting him know you still want to be together (of coz, I am skipping detail specific dialogue between you and him here) and giving him the space then if he realized that he was mistaken to leave you ON HIS OWN and came back to you; that is so much more genuine than what you have done to made him coming back to you! This is not gender specific, this could have been the girl called it quit at the first place, and the guy giving her space to think. Being genuine is the key.
Your actions were already a revenge on its own by sending he belongings to his office? Why not just let him come and pick up? Come on, be honest, to some degree it would feel a lot less easy if he came by to pick things up. By sending his belonging to his office, you did embarrassed him regardless if that was your intent or not. And that way it is a lot easier on your feelings.
No doubt anyone’s ego or confidence would get hurt a lot when he/she is the one being let go but that’s also an emotion lesson we all should learn to overcome. What you did was cheated on that life lesson.
You also mentioned, “I went to remind myself that I could enjoy the company of new men as soon or as often as I liked.” by going out with a few dates and at the end, “Fact is, even if my ex did not come back, which was a real possibility, I still would have been better off—and well on my way to a perfectly fine life without him.”
Honestly, if he was that important to you, you would not be so easily and quickly rebounded. Two days?? And you are already out seeing guys (though, your intent was not to start another relationship) Wow, he is REALLY NOT that important to you! Sorry, hard to convince anyone, even to yourself, that he is. No wonder at the end, you said you would still be well on your way to a perfectly fine life without him. At least you are being consistent in that sense. (This time, I am being sarcastic)
In the end, like I have mentioned in the previous post, you may have just “made” him come back to you and put yourself “in control” of the relationship but what you have done was not love. You are in a relationship but not love relationship.
What you have done were mostly making yourself feeling better in the whole process.
Don’t get me wrong, not saying getting oneself to feel better after a breakup is wrong but lacking genuine in oneself is not without consequences down the road. One may now addicted to these emotional tactics to maintain relationship for the rest of his/her life and never be able to enjoy real love.
Have it ever crossed your mind that you now have to live with this guy with a lie, if not a lie, a deception?
Try telling your b/f PLAIN and SIMPLY the whole story behind, that you have met this PT Carlito and did what he suggested on him. No candy coated wording like, what I did was just want to get you back, etc.
Anyway, you are now so deep into this emotion tactics thing already… it doesn’t matter what I have pointed out, I suppose….
But it is still good that you realize the core issues aren’t fix yet and these tactics aren’t magic button.
Also, both of you still have to find out why he wanted to end the relationship at the first place. Men can be as emotional as women. His fear can still be around and shadowing his true feelings at the moment. Anyway, that is yet another topic, I am not going to cover too many grounds and stop here.
Btw, I do apologize if my points weren’t all clear in the original post and seems to rush to an end. In fact , I was in a rush going to bed to get some sleep, lack of sleep these days. And English is not my native language, it takes longer for me to write what I have in mind.
When you first meet someone and there is a connection, it can go either one of three ways based on how you approach it.
1. You will be entirely honest about yourself or very open and slowly spoon feed your baggage to your potential mate. Honesty and openness primarily occur more after the relationship has turned physical and there is a sense of excitement, pleasure, and trust. If the feelings here are not mutual or unbalanced, one of the two is setting themselves up for heartbreak. Thinking that you are in love that deeply and “This is the one” mentality causes you to ignore significant red flags. Red flag #1 I can fix or change this person.
2. You will be reserved and navigate the waters to see what lies below during your voyage, frequently reviewing an inventory of tools and weapons to fight off surprise admissions and weigh them against your own ghost of relationships past. You have many red flags flying but they can’t be seen while on board the ship. You and your first mate have a number of them but they can only be seen by ships passing by. The ship is sailing steadily, why bother with those flags.
3. You get to know someone over time and have seen their character in action. You haven’t been blinded by the physical and have observed how they handle their red flags. You realize that the red flags are not the most important thing; the most important thing is how they deal with them. They don’t wear them on their sleeve, they learn from them.
So my point is this, that person that decided to end the relationship, how many red flags did he carry. How many did you ignore? I get the feeling that once you started following the advice of your friend you started to see a different side of your former boyfriend. Prior to that advice you replayed that relationship voyage over and over in your head trying to build a case on why both of you should still be together. You were still on that ship, that wonderful ship, the one with the invisible red flags. As time passes you may find what you believed to be a ship was in fact a little dingy. I don’t say this with the intention of ridiculing the male ego but to show the power of blindness that love can trigger.
So my question is, is he a number 3?
You see despite what anyone tells you about relationships, there is that #3 specifically for you out there. He is strong in character and he will love you like no other. He does not play games with your heart and would give his life to protect you. You may see him every day and not realize it or you’re looking for a knight in shining armor. They do exist; you just need to pay attention. A number 3 is not clingy and would not resort to social media to try and stay connected to lead you on. More than likely he is young and he found what he “believed” to be a more attractive challenge. The moment you started unfriending him you were no longer the passive “I would do anything to get him back woman” you became not only beautiful to him, but a challenge as well. Not only did you need that lesson, he did as well. If you treated him right in that relationship, he will be carrying that as the dumbest decision he ever made in his ghost of relationships past baggage.
Stick to your guns though, if he is not a number three, or not mature enough to know what a gentleman is, don’t allow him in his little dingy back in your harbor.
The advice given by P.T. Carlito AKA: beeeest daddy in the world is SPOT ON.
The time to utilize wanting someone back plan is if you know the person to be at less fault and the reason for the breakup was negative behavior on your part, the most serious, abuse, infidelity, or asking him to lance that boil on your buttocks (All are very unattractive)
Also, if you are still blinded by love take the time to write out the negatives and positives of the relationship. This way you can get an idea if you are trying to win a game or if you are trying to truly win back someone that is good for you.
As PT says be careful what you wish for.
Don’t you think if some one really loves some one they will try anything to get them back into a relationship? My guess is whatever is a guy that doesn’t like women and recently got dumped.
I really enjoyed reading this article because of how simply you stated the reality of the situation. I am going through a very similar situation and have been trying as hard as possible not to talk to my ex. The second he reaches out to me I cave in and get emotional and embarrassingly enough even beg and ask why over and over. I have saved this article to read in future moments of weakness to remind myself that I don’t need to let me emotions control my responses or even my way of dealing with this. You’re right, needy is super unattractive and I cannot stand needy boys. I really wish I had handled myself differently after the breakup but at this point the only thing I can do is change how I handle myself in the future…which will be exactly how you did. Time to be strong and change some
Embarrassingly bad breakup habits. Thanks 🙂
Great article, I really enjoyed the advice!
I think “Whatever” may be chastising you/this article because you are “giving up the game”. The last thing men want is for us to be equipped with the knowledge to handle the situation better than them, and/or make them vulnerable.
And to that i say………LMAO! Sorry guys.
#pu$$ypower
#empowered
#pullyourselftogether
#fixyourhair&makeup&dress2kill
#ifhewontloveyou-anothermanwill
Curious minds want to know: are you guys still together?
Yup. 🙂
I responded earlier without reading your bio. I may be preaching to the choir but I want you to know that I want you to find happiness, and then find the one that treats you like a lady. The happiness that keeps that beautiful smile on your face and the one that can put it back on when it gets tired.
How long were you broken up for?
Interesting post. But what’s even more interesting is the response provided by Whatever on 5/8/14. I’ve never thought of the fear factor that he eloquently explained. It seems these days there are more games being played between both men and women. It would be better if people could be genuine in their thoughts and feelings with one another instead of resorting to manipulative tactics to control one another. Although in the past, any man that decided to dump me (and sadly there’s been a few), I responded similarly to how the poster did (with the exception of sending their belongings to their office). She’s right…they ALWAYS come back once you commence no contact. However, I never wanted them back once I’ve healed. Interesting insights from both sides. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing that. I will say this: There aren’t “more” games per se. And in my experience, the ones who wish everyone would be more genuine are the ones who’ve been on the receiving end of some pain. I’m sorry that that’s happened to you. I don’t see what we’re talking about here as ‘gaming’ people. Sure, it seems like the world would be a better place if we were guileless robots who only said what was true–but that would also mean a world without tact, or privacy. I see making these decisions (to write back, or to not, to move on, etc) not as manipulative tactics to make someone else act a certain way, but strategic thinking and actions that, quite frankly, more of us should have. Fact is, we’re not robots. We’re emotional beings, and there are plenty of people who are brutally honest (and we wish they weren’t)–and even THOSE people are using emotions to manipulate another person. This is who we are as humans. The better we choose our actions, the less reactive we need to be.
My boyfriend just broke up with me 2 days ago after nearly 3 years, he said I was too needy and obsessed with him. I was emotionally controlling him. I would cry and beg him to spend every minute of his time with me. It’s all true… I’m going to try to see a psychologist, and I just followed your advice and unfriended him on facebook and skype (those are the only social networks we have) He wants time to be free and do whatever he wants without me emotionally controlling him and making him do everything with me. I hope this works, and I hope he comes back. I’m also scared that if I dont answer his texts, what if he thinks I blocked his number too? Or I got a new number and he gives up?
I’m going to write a blog about this one. Stay tuned!