Beware of Bestie Energy

It's great to work with people you love. But I'd be real careful when people try to sell you on how close everyone is, especially when the opportunity isn't great. You need to be paid in cash; friendships are earned the old-fashioned way. Time. Respect. Trust.

A friend of mine is looking for a job, and has been, for close to a year. Recently, she had an interview for an admin role at a real estate firm, a small one, run by women. 

There were problems: One, it was a step down. Two, mediocre money. Three, zero benefits. 

But what really bugged me was how the owner positioned the opportunity — by talking about how "close" the team is.

"Like family," she said.

Do I need to tell you how much this makes me skin crawl?

This may seem harmless, and she probably means well. But there's something that feels wrong about it. 

One being, we are paid in lots of ways: Opportunity, growth, experience. And most importantly, cash.  

To promise that that you'll be a member of the "family," is not only a turnoff, it's untrue. 

You don't apply for a position in a family. And you certainly can't get fired from one. Estranged is the best you can do. But even then, they don't have HR march you out.

My friend is in her 40s. She is not looking to make her boss her best friend. She's not trying to be someone's intern. She is a grown ass woman who needs a job, not a pep talk.

 This woman is hoping to "woo" my friend based on how "cool" she (thinks she) is, and what a "great culture" she can offer. We're all friends! We order sushi!

It bears repeating: Your work team is not your family. Your employer is not your mommy.

To tell yourself they are is folly; to be told is sheer manipulation.

If your work life is going to be analogous to "family," well, that alone can be triggering because family isn't synonymous with safe for many people.  Families by and large are fraught dynamics. Plus, what does that mean? Your boss is your parent from whom you try to win acceptance and affection and love? Are your coworkers siblings? Cousins? In laws? 

Whether you're a full-time employee or a freelancer/consultant, we'd all love nothing more than to have positive, supportive, productive relationships with the people we work with. But since when have you thought of your own family as the seat of positive productivity? That's not the point of family. And being "like" family isn't the "point" of work, either.  

I've said it many times: Work is easy; people are hard. And you can call things whatever you like, but saying someone's "family" doesn't make them so.

I'll add this: Being close with people, knowing them well, sharing goals and values, and feeling true empathy for them isn't a "family" thing; it's a human thing. We descended from small bands of roving tribes who had each other's backs. 

Part of the challenge, and thrill, of a role, any role, is the opportunity to show what you can do. To be of service, to excel, to be a recognized contributor. That's the idea. You're not trying to be someone's sister. 

In work, respect comes before love. And love isn't a natural outgrowth of respect, either.  

Have I met very close friends working with them? Yes. Do I consider people on my team friends? Yes. But: There is also a careful boundary I respect because I also pay them. The friendship is earned and proven over time, not on day 1.

I actually think some of the best friendships start in a work or functional capacity—one in which you must collaborate and cooperate. In fact, I don't know a better way to get a real good look into someone's character than working with them, regardless of what shape that work takes and what your role is in it. 

Having the chance to work with them is an opportunity to demonstrate generosity, showcase skills, and offer support in ways that you might not have the chance to do with people who, say, met you in 10th grade.

This is also why I don't like the term "work friends." Because friends are friends wherever you find them. I know Marketing Mentor Ilise Benun shares this view. After all, I met her at a lunch-and-learn, hired her for services, and then she and I became real, true friends. It was earned, and is stronger because of it. She says the point of running your own business is that you can find people you really, truly adore and want to work with. The problem is if you lead with friendship, it's hard to know where to draw the line from a business perspective. 

I solve this problem with my friends-I-met-through-work easily: Keep the lines clean. I compensate them for their time and effort, and they pay me. 

 It's tricky to work with friends (something I, and probably you, have learned the hard way). Unexpressed needs and unclear boundaries and expectations can muddy the waters, causing resentments that fester and even ruin friendships. Why? Because we "thought" they knew or understood a thing. 

So why in hell would you want to do that with your clients or customers? Total clarity will serve you way better than being chummy ever will. 

I'll add: You don't even have to agree with someone to respect them. And just because you respect them does not mean you'll love them, either.

Consultants, freelancers, vendors, I'm looking at you: They don't have to want to be your bestie to pay you good money to do what you do and you don't have to want to meet them for brunch on a Sunday to enjoy working with them. 

This is girl-on-girl crime. You don't hear men saying to other men, I can't pay you, but I'll treat you like a brother.

It's true. There's an unreasonable expectation that women who work together might automatically want to go shopping together, too.

Case in point: When I was an editor at a magazine, another editor and I were sent to conferences from time to time...and were expected to share a room. Do you think any of the men shared rooms? Not on your life. 

Back to my friend and her awk interview. At the end, this lady hugged her, which she told me later she found embarrassing. And then made her question herself: If it's offered, should I take the job? They seem really...

—say it with me now—

Nice. 

I said no.

In fact, I yelled no. Nooooo!

Why? Because then all her time and energy will be tied up in a job with no real long-term prospects, which will leave her with little left to find what would be a better fit. It's diminishing returns.

Easy for me to say, right? I'm not the one who has been looking for full-time employment for a year. But I'm not saying she should turn it down out of principle; I believe it's going to make things worse down the line, not better. 

 If you want to respect a person, a woman especially, treat her like a pro. Pay her with cash, not hugs.

It doesn't make you a better colleague, boss, or team member if you lead with bestie energy.

But most importantly, whether you're looking for a job or a gig, do not mistake bestie energy for a better option.

 And if you're in the position to hire someone, know that leading with chummy vibes makes people either feel a) creeped out, or b) that you expect a kind of devotion that hasn't been earned yet. 

Plus, it can imply that people who "really" care are those who would sacrifice everything, including their own opportunities, growth, and income, because they like you. And it's an unfair position to put someone in. 

Respecting each other in the workplace requires that we treat each other as individuals ready to contribute and pay them for the value they bring. Maintaining a clear professional boundary doesn't mean being "impersonal" or "all business"; it in fact makes space for it. It gives you both the opportunity to demonstrate your ethics and ability, on which real trust is built.   

PROMPT:

Think of the people you met in a work context. What was the moment you knew they weren't just a colleague, but someone you wanted to know and have in your life? And, on the flipside, whose bestie vibes make you slightly uneasy? Why?