Don’t Get Mad at Data, Even If It Knows When You Should Be Married

A while back Time magazine announced its Facebook app that tells you when you should be married. It pissed a lot of people off. My question is, if you’re mad, why?

What the app purports to do is mine your and your friend’s Facebook data (what they report, anyway), and plug it into graph that tells you when you should be (or should have been) married.  (Read more about the algorithm. If you really want.)

But what the app is REALLY doing is banking on your defensiveness and anxiety. (It could also probably double as a blood pressure monitor.) Because the degree to which you are upset or hurt by this app is less reflective of the app, and more telling of how you feel about your life. And there’s no app for that.

I mean, I expected Jezebel to have some fun with it, and of course, I want and expect Bella DePaulo’s pants to be on fire because she’s an advocate for single living and I LOVE her for fighting that fight. Sure, it’s a fun thing for people to bitch about on Twitter. Which of course keeps Time in the conversation (which, as you know, is why they did it, and why any print pub is making crazy decisions lately—to keep from the inevitable topple into the print abyss.)

The Truth Hurts

You already know the facts about how babies are made. And that if you want a husband and three kids that you birth yourself before you’re 45, then yes, you have a window and that window will close at some point. That’s biological fact. And while that window, by the way, is getting bigger thanks to medical intervention, we were designed to have kids at a certain age. We know this.

What you’re particularly undone by, most likely, is having the data spelled out for you. THAT hurts. Because that, too, is a fact. And if you’re unhappy about your marital state, that’s going to push some buttons.

Realize that the more we can quantify our lives (how many steps we’ve taken, how many calories we’ve burned, and yes, how many of our friends are married) the more data we have to play with and wonder at. We don’t know what to do with it all yet, and so that’s what apps like this are about. Expect more. Expect: When you should have last voided your bowels. Oh, it’s coming.

But data makes no judgment. It is what it is. If you don’t like it, then you don’t like where you are, and that’s ok! But don’t be mad at data.

I tried the app and it told me that the median age of my married friends is 39.8 years old, and that my target date is 6 months ago. And then it tells me to buck up, because half of my friends were married later. I don’t know if that means that was the age when they got married, or that’s their age NOW and they happen to be married. Still working out the kinks in that, I guess. Ok, well, good to know.

Don’t Judge!

What you really hate is the implied judgment—as any of us would get defensive about someone pointing at the road you traveled and suggesting you should have hung a right ten years ago.

But since when is falling lockstep with your peers your only goal? But putting the biology argument aside (since not all people marry for babies), it’s always a bad idea to do something just because others are doing it. This isn’t about graduating on time. It’s about your life. And your life may be very different, very rewarding, or very disappointing compared to others—in a myriad of ways that are not measurable (yet).

What I don’t get is how the women I know who claim to be happily single are so pissed about this. Why would they care? It might as well tell me when I should have gotten my plumber’s license. (Though tell me when I should have published my first book, and sure, I’ll get a little uncomfortable, too.)

There’s a huge bell curve in science, and what’s statistically normal covers a broad range of territory. It’s dangerous to start questioning whether you ‘could ever’ do a thing you want to, just because others already did.

(Worth noting is that the app does NOT account for how happy/miserable/bored any of your married friends are, btw).

So, rather than be mad at the app, you should thank it.

Because if you choose to look into its pixelated reflection, it will at the very least give you a moment’s pause: Are you happy with what you’re doing, and who you’re doing it with? Is this the direction you want to be going? If not, what can you do about it? The facts are that we have limited time on the planet, and limited energy to do it in. So, any good wake-up call will make sure you’re spending that time wisely.

Data is notoriously useless as an advice-giver or meaning-maker, as my colleague, neuroscience expert Kayt Sukel, author of This Is Your Brain on Sex, has told me; it’s purpose is only to tell, to show correlations. It can’t spell out cause and effect, nor predict what will happen. You wouldn’t blame the FitBit app for implying you’re fat, so don’t blame the marriage app for telling you what choices you should make. But also, don’t waste time being mad about it. Thank this and all the other apps for giving you a bird’s-eye view of where you are on the map. Then, decide where you’ll go next.